There was this one time, once, that there was this guy named pHil.  This guy didn't exist just in that particular moment (that moment, once) but lived an actual life, and yes his name was actually spelled like that.  See, pHil was always going around testing the pH balance of water and other liquids, like lemon juice, or milk, or water, so people started to call him pHil instead of Phil in jest.  It's really not that much different from how you pronounce it normally except when you pronounce the capital H you have to raise your voice a half octave, so it sounds like this: fu-HHHHHHH-il. Needless to say he didn't like it but he kept testing those pH balances.

    One day, pHil was testing his water when he came across a dog.  The unusual thing about this dog was that he could smell acid, so naturally he and pHil really hit it off.  He named him Alkaline but would get really angry when people would call him Al for short, yelling "IT'S ALKALINE YOU BITCH ALKALINE LIKE THE INVERSE PROPERTY OF ACID ALONG THE PH SCALE FOR LIQUID ACIDITY/ALKALINITY".  The people would cry. The dog didn't seem to mind; he was a dog.  A dog that could smell acid.

     Well ol' Alkaline one day (once) decided to die, and he did.  His body lay on the side of the road for a pretty long time because pHil was too distraught to bury it.  After it decomposed a bit of blood got on pHil's finger when he would go pet Alkaline and talk to him about his day at work at the official pH facility for the world.  He tasted it.

After about a moment's introspection pHil looked up. "That's about a 6.5, I'd say."